Journal

Attached to my Attachments

toddler's standing in front of beige concrete stair

We had an amazing class with BDK Mixed Movements Arts a couple of days ago. I was expecting it to be physically hard, it always is. But I didn’t expect to be touched by Cameron’s words the way I was. 

The topic was Attachments and how we, as human beings, tend to naturally bond and get attached to things, people or ideas. The reasons we do so are mainly three: pleasure, safety or survival. Any of these reasons can be powerful enough to hold us tight for a long time. It takes only a few weeks of being in love to bond ourselves forever, even when we know the attachment is not healthy anymore. Or maybe we don’t know it but we “feel something is not right”, or we are always making the same mistakes or perhaps we are, no matter what we do, always encountering the same problems. 

But Cameron’s take was that “we need to face our attachments from time to time. See through them and know why we created them to begin with… Maybe they are just an idea, a projection, or hope for redirection of our own fears. Are they still serving us?”

How do we face or challenge the bond or the attachments? Observing them with a witness eye, removing our feelings or fears to truly observe the attachment as it is. Removing with curiosity and detail layer by layer from it until we can get to its bottom, its root, the origin: Why and when did we tighten up? What made it happen so easily? It is so easy to make a bond; we only need to feel happy with someone, feel safe in an institution or survive a hard situation to be there, “forever”. But what’s forever. Does the future after the present moment even exist? Can I promise it? 

The first months of 2020 have proved to be more than challenging for many of us. Maybe more for some generations. Everything we used to have, belief in, worked for were gone in less than a few weeks. We witnessed these things disappearing. I was travelling to Colombia “for ten days”, and here I am a few months later, with no home, community or job in London anymore. Boom! Projects, dreams, books, things are now gone. For me, this is probably the time when the topic about attachments is more relevant than ever. What am I attached to? And, how do I know is it attachment or just who I am? 

The Persona I was creating in London is gone, or at least, put on a long hold. I have been mourning it for several weeks now. What’s the use of denying or fighting against the fact that is gone? I don’t know. But I still do it sometimes. After all, if not that, “what am I, then?”. I realised that my fear of breaking free from my attachments of being a Yoga Instructor in London is exactly that: “if not that, what am I?”. The realisation that I will have to start all over in Colombia. Once again. This time at 40+ years old. Everywhere in the world 40s are the new 30s, except in here! I am really old here: “this is not the time for a single woman to start from zero. Stay with your attachments, woman!”

About Attachments and Ego-Friendly Sustainability

I have to create new paths, new personas, or maybe just go easier with the flow. Who knows? It is clearer sometimes. Even easier. Not so much right now. I simply cannot imagine myself in a few months. Where is my base, home, value? It has to be inside, within myself, I just cannot reach it right now. Although I might sound a bit pessimistic, I can still tell this is a trick of my hurting ego completely terrified of letting go…“myyyy preeeeciouuuus” – I can almost hear it. I am glad I can make fun of my ego, I can feel it sitting down in a corner, almost defeated thinking of its next move. I know I won’t be able to kill My ego friend, but at least in this way its toxicity is not too harsh for me.

“It is OK, I still love you”, I say while smiling and nodding to my ego friend. 

What to do in these moments? What do I do at this moment? Nothing. I only witness the internal dialogue

  • Me: I am not alone on this, there are probably millions of people in the same or worse situation.
  • Ego: Comparing with others doesn’t work for long to make us feel better. OK. 
  • Me: Wow, there are so many (loads!) positive things I do have now and I probably haven’t enjoyed it if not for this situation.
  • Ego: Yeah, but you still do not know what to do next, do you?
  • Me: I feel gratitude for all of those helping, loving and receiving us with open hearts and arms “until you need so”. That’s huge…!
  • Ego: Nah, that’s what parents do, anyway. They have nothing else to do!
  • Me: Nope. This is amazingly honest and generous. I’ll take it. I thank them!

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